This is just part of the vision for Greenland County USA after its purchase by VPX. | WestVirginiaVille.com photo-illustration
We sometimes receive submissions to WestVirginiaVille from alt-WestVirginia — or versions of West Virginia elsewhere from around the multiverse. But we are all in this together, whichever universe you hail from in which you call West Virginia home or from which you look back upon your experience of the Mountain State fondly from some far-off ex-pat locale. We’re happy to hear below from Wiley Comstock, whose last name recalls the great Jim Comstock, a legendary West Virginia editor and humorist, whose legacy was certainly one of the few instances in which a West Virginian’s life got written up in the blog for The Paris Review. The West Virginia Hillbilly, which Comstock long edited, is memorably described at the link as not just a newspaper: “It was an art project, a platform for historic preservation, a conservative wailing wall, and, above all, an exploration of the West Virginian id.” As occasional yet regular publishers of pieces sourced from deep within the West Virginia id (such as this and this and this), we get that. See the latest dispatch from our West Virginia Id Bureau below. ~ Editor Douglas John Imbrogno
By Wiley Comstock | For WestVirginiaVille.substack.com
This writer was visiting an old friend not long ago, a friend living in Greenland — which is to say Greenland County, USA, along the Great Oh River. My visit coincided with that of a regional political figure — a big boss — from over on the other side of the river, a U.S. senator from that “Blessed State of Oh.”
This fellow, Sen. Veejay Dance (X-Oh) just made a big speech in our county seat of Moonchen. And, boy, did that man impress everyone! Dance is so smart and so good-lookin’ all at once. He’s getting to be real popular here in Greenland County.
“Maw and Paw just love him,” says my buddy (whose name is Buddy). “Maw says she’ll love that man to the End of Time.”
“I guess that’s what lookin’ good’ll get for you,” I said. “So what’s Senator Veejay Dance doin’ here in Greenland?”
“Same as always — visiting his golf courses and makin’ speeches for his party.”
“Which one?” I asked.
“You know,” my friend reminded me. “The always-secure, always-anonymous Virtual Party X.”
“Oh, yeah,” says I. “The VPX.”
“And, of course, Dance is a former vice-president of the party. That’s why we call him ‘Ex-Veep-Veep-Ex’.’ Or just ‘Veep-Veep,’ as he likes to be called.”
“Ex-Vice President of the Virtual Party X,” I nodded. “Well, what’s their party platform?”
“That’s the beauty of it. The VPX runs its own ‘revolving’ platform, rapidly alternating between revolutionary and counter-revolutionary positions, according to the need.”
“Huh …? Whose need?”
“Well, everybody’s!” says my buddy, grinning. “Maw and Paw just love it. They say the X-Party platform is “all-knowing and all-embracing.” And, boy, they sure do spend all sorts of time on it. I’m just starting out …”
At this point, my buddy gets a kind of a glazed look in his eyes.
“Well, what’s so great about their party platform?” I ask, hoping to snap him back.
“You just ask the party-platform a question — ‘Where does the VPX stand on this?’ — and it tells you exactly the response that you most want to hear.”
“Like those fake robo-women over at the dating service?”
“Exactly!” says my buddy, his eyes lighting up. “And not for nothing that the VPX runs one o’ them too! VPX is the best, well-funded all-service party organization. An all-around party with dating privileges! Although that part has gotta stay private. Only party members can get into it.”
“Wow,” I said. “A private party with dating services! What’ll they think of next!?”
“Yeah! And just look at their motto!”
I squint at the screen.
“‘We’ll cross you up at every turn’….?”
My buddy frowned.
“You fool-galoot! You’re mixing-up the motto with the company logo!”
“Oh. Sorry: ‘We’ll match you up at every turn….’ ”
“That’s better.”
“Well, what’s the Veep-Veep have to say to us?”
“What do the winners always say? — ‘Help is at hand!’ Or, at least, it’s already ordered-up. And it’s on the way!’ ”
“Great!” I said. “So how does the VPX help the People of Greenland County?”
“Easy,” says Buddy. “They’re gonna buy it.”
“Yessir, Senator Dance loves us so much he wants to own us.”
“Dance and the VPX are buyin’ our whole county?” I asked. “Why?”
“Because we’ve been so good to him! He’s talked to all kinds of people, all around here— and he’s saying just how nice and good we’ve been for him. ‘A well-trained Hospitality Sector’ is how he puts it. Yessir, Senator Dance loves us so much he wants to own us.”
In fact, I had heard that the Veep-Veep already owns at least one fancy golf course in Greenland County. (On the streaming ads, you can see deep appreciation in the eyes of the former farmers he employs as caddies and greenskeepers.)
“Being an absentee-landowner of his golf-courses means that Veejay Dance has a real stake in this place,” says Buddy, sounding more like the voice in those videos. “Dance shares a strong claim to the ‘good life’ we enjoy here in Greenland! And, when the time comes, you can count on him fight for it!”
“Right. Fight for the good life. But golfing …?”
“Right now, the senator says, we’re gonna have to fight ‘the enemy within’ — all those immoral naysayers who don’t share our common American morals and values.”
“So, how do we do that?” I asked.
“Easy!” says my buddy. “We just gotta gun-up.”
“…?”
“We just gotta gun-up,” says the VPX.
“We get a discount on everything at the VPX-USA Arms dealership — with more than five locations, all over the county. VPX-USA can fix you with more armament than a man could possibly want …”
“Right,” I said. “But, he’s gonna own our entire county — like all of it? Why? And how?”
“Because he says he can. And, you know what the VPX Party Platform and God are telling us: ‘It is the right of any American male to become whatever he wants to become!’ ”
“Well, A-men to that …”
“So, Dance is deciding he wants to become owner of Greenland! Just buy the whole thing, simple as that.”
“Does he have the capital?”
“Says he does. Says he has everything and more that it takes to make a deal. And, you gotta know this: The VPX leaders say it’ll go easier for those of us who cooperate, those who settle early on. Otherwise, they just come in and do it the old-fashioned way.”
“The old-fashioned way?”
“Deputies on the border over there tell me their orders are to point us toward Kentucky.”
“The American way: You pay off the county assessor, pay off the sheriff, and then — if you gotta — you pay-off sheriff ’s deputies to help move everybody out.”
“But where do we all go? Do I have to move to Dance’s ‘Blessed State-of-Oh’…?”
“Not hardly,” laughed my friend. “Deputies on the border over there tell me their orders are to point us toward Kentucky.”
“But I don’t have any people in Kentucky. And I bet there are fewer still who really like me there!”
“Better get on the move early and start lookin’,” Buddy says. “You don’t want to be caught on the wrong end of a VPX deal …”
“Gosh. Maybe you’re right,” I said. “Thanks!”
“No problem,” says Buddy. “Oh, and be sure to join the Virtual Party X fast! You know what they say: ‘VPX: You don’t want to be late to the party.’”
