Of anus-fired bottle rockets and shocking sorority houses

Feb 10, 2012 by

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So, you’ve got your court decisions¬†that undermine the very foundations of a democratic society like Citizens United. Then, you’ve got court cases involving anus-fired bottle rockets and shocking revelations of what really goes on behind closed doors at sorority houses. Today, we take a step back from abyss of political/corporate jury-rigging by the henchmen of the one percent and instead read up on more troubling matters. Such as how blasting fireworks from your hindquarters can harm your fellow man. The following lawsuits were reported on in a Feb. 3, 2012 posting to The West Virginia Record by Chris Dickerson and Kyla Asbury. And, really, we can’t sum it up any better than they do in that lead sentence. We pass this report on not to make light of the genuine injuries suffered by the anal-bottle-rocket-startled Marshall ballplayer, but to stand in awe and regret we entirely missed out on this use of firecrackers when we were in college.

HUNTINGTON — Bottle rockets, a man’s anus and a fraternity party has resulted in a lawsuit.

A man is suing Alpha Tau Omega after he was injured at a frat party. Travis Hughes, another man at the party, was also named as a defendant in the suit. On May 1, 2011, at about 1:30 a.m., the fraternity was having a house party both Louis Helmberg III and Hughes were attending, according to a complaint filed Jan. 23 in Cabell Circuit Court.

Helmberg, who plays for Marshall University’s baseball team, claims Hughes became intoxicated and attempted to “shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck.” When doing so, Hughes startled Helmberg, who then jumped back and fell off of the deck of the fraternity house and was injured, according to the suit. He was lodged between the deck and an air conditioning unit. Helmberg claims there was no railing on the deck at the time of the incident… Helmberg, a catcher for the Thundering Herd, claims the deck never had a railing when it was installed and was approximately three to four feet high. The suit says the fraternity was negligent in failing to provide a safe deck and that Hughes was at fault for consuming alcohol “which leads to stupid and dangerous activities.” Helmberg is seeking compensatory damages with pre- and post-judgment interest. He said he fall caused him pain and suffering as well as medical expenses, lost earnings capacity and lost time from the baseball team ….

Being conscientious reporters, the scribes from the Record note that this is the second recent case involving Greek groups on Marshall’s campus. Sigma Sigma Sigma recently was sued over allegations of hazing and harassment by a sorority sister. Hazing is bad-bad-bad, but there has to be more than this, right? You might want to sit down before reading, if you’re of the fainting-couch sort:

On March 29, 2010, Sarah Frances Lyon pledged Tri-Sigma at Marshall University, according to a complaint filed Sept. 28 in Cabell Circuit Court.

Lyon claims on April 9, 2010, she met with a friend at the sorority house to go to a nail salon and when she arrived, she witnessed open beer cans, cases of unopened beer and other evidence of a party in multiple bedrooms. She claims she also witnessed multiple male Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity members sleeping in beds with the Tri-Sigma sorority girls.

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